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Humor in Uniform

Discussion in 'The Barracks' started by SDProf, Mar 3, 2017.

  1. jimdanos

    jimdanos Token Coonass.
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  2. kyletxria1911a1

    kyletxria1911a1 Well-Known Member

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    13118191_1025527230818374_555422864_n.jpg
     
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  3. jimdanos

    jimdanos Token Coonass.
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  4. jimdanos

    jimdanos Token Coonass.
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  5. SDProf

    SDProf Vegetarian by proxy
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    This is from Ace Jewell, CDR, USN, Ret, now about 88 years old, fighter pilot in 3 wars and LSO extraordinaire. They don't make them like Ace anymore...





    "Drones will not: be late to briefings, start fights at happy hour, destroy clubs, attempt to seduce others' dates, purchase huge watches, insult other services, sing "O'Leary's Balls," dance on tables, yell "Show us yerr tits!!!", or do all of the other things that we know win wars! I see no future in them.”
     
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  6. SDProf

    SDProf Vegetarian by proxy
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    The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.

    The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.

    Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.

    The two generals were very happy with their earnings.

    Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his d**k to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''

    The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''

    The general said, ''Just do it!''

    The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls.''

    The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''
     
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  7. jimdanos

    jimdanos Token Coonass.
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  8. jimdanos

    jimdanos Token Coonass.
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  9. SDProf

    SDProf Vegetarian by proxy
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    (this is an oldie)



    I remember standing at quarters one morning whilst
    stationed aboard the USS Adroit. Lieutenant Montgomery
    was doing the muster.

    "JACKSON?"

    "Here!"

    "KIBBEY?"

    "Yo."

    "STEPHENS?"

    "Present, sir."

    "SEEBACK?"

    Nothing.

    "SEEBACK?!"

    Still nothing.

    "DAMMIT, SEEBACK!"

    As the division Chief I whispered into the Lieutenant's ear,
    "Sir, turn the paper over."
     
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  10. SDProf

    SDProf Vegetarian by proxy
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    The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)...

    1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

    2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

    3. Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

    4. Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC gives steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

    5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

    6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

    7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.

    8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

    9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.

    10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost- effective means of anti-snake force projection.

    11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

    12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

    13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

    14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

    15. Supply: (NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is backordered.)

    16. Transport pilot: Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid squares away on roof of children's hospital.

    17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft fuselage.

    18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake due to weather. Cites inclement weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Suggests procurement of million-dollar, air- to-ground anti-snake bomb.

    19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AOs without power lines or SAMs.

    20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

    21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

    22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use weapons.

    23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

    24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
     
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  11. jimdanos

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  12. SDProf

    SDProf Vegetarian by proxy
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    If the military didn't want us to put our hands in our pockets, why the heck did they issue us pockets?
     
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  13. fgowi

    fgowi Active Member

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    I was carrying a piece of equipment, the size of a bread box, into our shop, which was in a hanger. I'd seen this 2nd Louie around for a couple weeks. I was at our shop door, carrying this load, the the "officer" stopped me and ripped me a new one for NOT saluting!! I was a hundred frickin' yards inside the hanger!! After his tirade I went into the shop.

    Before I even laid down the piece I kind of off handedly told the 1st Shirt what the "officer" had done. He was my boss and we worked a few feet apart!! Nothing unusual about me talking to him! I was kind of laughing about it. 1st shirt says, "You're not BSing" (I cleaned up the language here a bit..lol). I says, "No, happened just now right outside our door!"

    He comes out of his chair like it had blown up under him. Next thing I know the gold barred little boy was standing in front of me apologizing. I thought the 1st Sargent was gonna put him in the hospital!!!
     
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  14. SDProf

    SDProf Vegetarian by proxy
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    You can always tell a lootenant.


    You just can't tell them much.
     
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  15. Noah

    Noah God's own Drunk and a fearless man
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  16. Noah

    Noah God's own Drunk and a fearless man
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  17. jimdanos

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  18. jimdanos

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